How to Let Go of Guilt After the Death of a Loved One

How to Let Go of Guilt After the Death of a Loved One The grief of losing a loved one is difficult in and of itself, but it is made even more difficult when you feel you have failed them in some way. Perhaps you believe you have let your loved one down, that you have failed to meet their expectations, or that they regard you as a failure. You may feel guilty for not being there for them in their final moments, or you may be concerned that you were not a good enough son or daughter. These types of doubts can weigh heavily on your heart, mind, and body, making it difficult to move forward in life. While you may need to simply feel your grief, you may also find it beneficial to think about your loved one in a new way. Many of my patients who have had these kinds of thoughts and fears imagine that their loved one is judging them. Even if they do not fully believe in an afterlife, they experience a sense of being judged. As we talk about it, they admit that if there is an afterlife, they imagine their loved one to be a more fully realised version of themselves. Their physical and emotional pains have been greatly alleviated. Their inner conflicts and tensions dissipate, leaving them at peace. With more thought, my patients realise that the person who died has a more complete understanding of life, making them more loving, compassionate, and forgiving. Despite the fact that these patients are aware that they have no way of knowing what awaits them in the afterlife, everything feels true to them. It appears to be natural. We then investigate the ramifications of this and seek deeper meaning. Take Linda for example (a fictional patient). Her father was an alcoholic who was frequently verbally abusive, particularly when he drank. Despite the emotional anguish he had caused her throughout her life, she felt guilty for not being present when he died of a heart attack. When she considered the situation from his point of view, she first imagined him being angry with her, as he frequently was in real life. When I asked what she imagined him to be like in the afterlife, she said she imagined him to be free of his alcoholism, as he was when she was young and before he struggled with alcohol. She imagined him to be cheerful, happy, and loving. She realised, with some prompting, that this version of her father would look at her with compassion, understanding how she could not have been there when he died. He would also understand and forgive her continued hostility toward him. She could see herself through her father's eyes as the loving man he couldn't be in life once he was free of his own demons. Importantly, this perspective on him allowed her to fully accept him for who he was, flaws and all. She realised that by accepting him as a whole person, she was more respectful of him than when she would unrealistically try to deny his flaws. If you've ever felt as if you've let a deceased loved one down, you might find this mental exercise beneficial. Consider your loved one free of inner demons, able to have an honest understanding of who they were in life while also viewing you with an open mind and loving heart. Even as you grieve, seeing your loved one in this light may bring you some relief. Thanks for watching ❤ See U