When Is It Time to Cut Ties in a Family Drama?
Everyone has a different interpretation of what it means to be a part of a family. For some, family is a source of comfort and a sense of belonging; for others, it is a source of pain and distress. Because family members are a part of your history and identity, you are likely to keep them in your life even if your relationships are strained. However, at some point, you may wonder if it is time to cut ties.
Given that you are likely hesitant to distance yourself from your family, you may find the questions below useful in thinking through this difficult issue.
Is the relationship so damaging that it isn't worth saving?
Although you may be very loyal to your family, you believe that certain breaches of trust or unacceptable behaviours have rendered the relationship irreparable. Many victims of incest, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, for example, understandably feel this way.
Have you attempted to correct the problem?
If you've tried to improve a toxic relationship but haven't seen any positive results, it may be time to consider ending it; you can't keep trying forever. Adarsh's sister, for example, had a serious drug problem. He finally admitted to himself that he couldn't "make" her change her ways after years of trying to help her and having her take advantage of him (such as stealing from him). So he decided to give up on trying to save her, even though he was more than willing to help her again if she made genuine efforts toward healing and recovery. Whatever your specific situation, you may decide it's time to distance yourself or cut ties if your efforts to solve a serious problem fail.
Is the issue you're experiencing likely to be time-limited?
Your relationship may feel more painful than positive at times. This can occur as a result of a specific conflict. If you or a family member is going through a difficult period, the stress may spill over into your relationship. Because family is so important in these situations, you might be better off working through the conflict or weathering a storm rather than cutting that family member out of your life. (This is assuming that the problem between you is not causing irreparable damage.)
Is your relationship becoming more distant than it used to be?
Relationships (with family and friends) may no longer mean the same thing to you as they once did. This can be upsetting, but it does not necessitate removing them from your life. For example, when Jonathan's brother's wife gave birth to their first child, Jonathan's daily conversations with his brother became only infrequent. Jonathan accepted the change in his relationship and adapted to its new place in his life after admitting that his efforts to talk more were futile. He even increased his efforts to be an involved and loving uncle, which allowed him to see his brother more frequently.
When you are honest with yourself about the nature of a problem with a family member, you can decide whether it is time to cut ties, accept your relationship as it is, or make some changes.
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