Is It Possible to Save Your Marriage After an Affair?

 

Is It Possible to Save Your Marriage After an Affair?

Infidelity is a deep betrayal that undermines the very foundation of a marriage. This is true even when the affair is "only" emotional — when a partner seeks deep personal connection from someone other than (and instead of) their partner. Following an affair, many couples struggle intensely with the question of whether their relationship is salvageable.

There is no single outcome for marriages that have had an affair. Each path forward is challenging, but it is also as distinct as each relationship. As I explain in my short video “After the Affair: How to Save Your Marriage,” there are some couples who not only survive, but thrive. Couples who are able to move on from infidelity are similar in that the partners respond in the same basic ways:

• The cheating spouse expresses regret.

Healing can occur only when the adulterer fully admits and accepts responsibility for their actions. The individual must also demonstrate remorse for the harm they have caused, with no hedging or justifying the infidelity. They must state unequivocally that leaving the marriage was a mistake. They can get a lot of traction by saying things like, "What I did was wrong." I sincerely apologise for it, as well as for the pain it has caused you.”

• The cheating spouse validates their spouse's pain.

The faithful spouse will undoubtedly experience a range of emotions, including hurt, betrayal, sadness, and anger. The person who cheated must listen to, acknowledge, and validate their victim's feelings. This is a lengthy process that will necessitate numerous conversations as the spouse works through their emotions.

It can be exhausting to listen again and again, but the unfaithful partner must be patient. They must maintain empathy and compassion even as their spouse visits and revisits their past actions, which they cannot change.

Importantly, the hurt partner must ultimately seek relief from their pain and reconnection, not just retribution. Remaining deeply angry and clinging to the desire to emotionally beat up their spouse will not repair the relationship; in fact, it will worsen it. Hopefully, if their spouse can listen to their pain compassionately, they will eventually feel comforted. The pain will be alleviated, but not forgotten. At that point, the marriage may be able to progress toward reconciliation.

Both spouses work together to mend their marriage.

Prior to the affair, they must assess the state of their marriage. While having an affair is unacceptable, the issues in the marriage that may have led to it must be addressed. They can work on improving and strengthening their marriage by talking openly about how each of them contributed to their difficulties. Their conversations must be open and honest, and they must unfold in a way that restores trust, caring, and a sense of teamwork.

It is hoped that your efforts will improve communication, increase caring interactions, and foster a closer bond. This requires perseverance and a commitment to resuming a loving relationship. While such efforts will not change the past or remove the pain of betrayal, you and your partner can use the painful past to build a stronger, healthier marriage.

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