Becoming More Assertive & Your Relationships

 

Relationship

Becoming More Assertive Can Help You Improve Your Relationships

Do you find it surprising how well some people can assert themselves? Do you ever feel insignificant, small, or even invisible? If this is the case, you will most likely remain passive, sitting quietly by as others make decisions that you then follow. Or perhaps you compensate by overaggressively demanding to be heard in order to overcome your feelings of weakness.

As opposed to those who take a passive or aggressive stance, assertive people are more comfortable with themselves and have more mutually satisfying relationships with others.

Those who are assertive are typically self-aware and value themselves. So, in order to learn assertiveness, you must first reflect on yourself, becoming aware of what is important to you and how you feel in any given situation. When you've realised this, being assertive means expressing yourself in a clear, direct, and nonjudgmental manner. You accept responsibility for expressing your desires without attempting to dominate the other person.

People who are generally assertive understand that they are not responsible for how others react. Accepting the limits of their power may cause them to feel sad, hurt, or other distressing emotions when they do not get what they want, but they can work through these feelings and redirect their energies to something else, allowing them to continue to believe that they have the power to work toward what they want in life. For example, when Adesh (aggressively but respectfully) asked Ariana out on a date and she declined, he felt rejected. Instead of pining for her (which was not a good option), he chose to spend more time with his friends and to put more effort into his work. 

When you accept that others have the same right to their thoughts and feelings as you do, you are more likely to collaborate with them rather than either following their wishes (passive style) or constantly pushing your agenda (aggressive style). When you take an assertive stance, you expect others to listen to what you have to say, to be interested in what they have to say, and to be willing to compromise when that is an option.

You can improve your assertiveness by consciously directing your thoughts and actions. You can remind yourself that what you have to say is important – as is what they have to say. Then, speak as if you believe it, in a clear, direct, and unapologetic manner. State the situation, your thoughts and feelings, and ask for what you want in a respectful manner. For example, Kayla believed she was overdue for a promotion at her job, so she told her boss, noting that she had received excellent reviews for the previous five years and was frustrated by her job stagnation. She found a recent opening at her company that she thought she could do well in, and she asked her boss if she should be considered for it.

You can feel more self-assured if you learn to speak your mind in a way that effectively conveys what you want, especially if you accept that you cannot force others to do what you want them to. Maintaining eye contact and standing or sitting up straight can help you express yourself more effectively. Remember to be direct, clear, and respectful. It's not up to you after that. Not always getting what we want is part of the human condition, but so is choosing to shift your focus. Choose to feel good about expressing your wants and needs in whatever way you can. While you may not always get your way, you can always feel good about standing up for yourself.

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