When Partners Disagree on Anal Sex

 

When Partners Disagree on Anal Sex

Though heterosexual anal sex remains taboo for many, there has been a cultural shift. In therapy, young women report that they are increasingly being pressured to have anal sex early in sexual relationships. And they are not alone; long-married women are also hearing this request.

Much of this new pressure can be attributed to changes in pornography, which now routinely includes anal sex in heterosexual scenes. Many men who watch porn believe that women experience powerful orgasms through anal sex. Men tell me that they believe women are resistant to the act because they haven't tried it and aren't sure how much they would enjoy it.

Whatever myths you believe, here are some basic facts:

• Anal sex is enjoyed by approximately 2% of women.

• According to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, up to 36% of women have tried it at least once.

• Anal sex pain is caused by a stretch of the muscle surrounding the anus (sphincter) and a bend in the female rectum (the last section of the large intestine before the anus).

• Months of gradual introduction can frequently reduce or eliminate pain.

Do some women find it appealing?

Even if they do not want to be penetrated, many women enjoy stimulation of their anus. After stretching their sphincter, a small percentage of women like the feeling of fullness and enjoy repeated anal sex – and it's possible that her partner's enthusiastic sexual excitement adds to the thrill.

Why aren't more women interested?

I believe women understand whether or not they want to try it and whether or not they will enjoy it. And if they are opposed, they have the right to decline it. Here are some of the reasons why women don't want anal sex:

• Suffering

It hurts, and there isn't enough pleasure to justify a second try, even if they've tried it before. While there are erotically charged nerve endings around the anus, very few women experience orgasm through anal sex.

• shambles

In the erotic film industry, preparations are frequently used to make anal sex appear less messy than it is in reality. Anal sex is, indeed, unsanitary. Whatever touches or penetrates the anus should not come into contact with the vagina or vulva unless thoroughly washed with soap and water. Feces may contain bacteria that can cause a vaginal or urinary tract infection.

• taboo

Because it is the exit point for contaminated faeces, this zone is frequently taught to children as off-limits. People can unconsciously carry these strong emotional reactions about their anal region into adulthood, believing that the act of anal sex or anal stimulation is dirty. Some religions forbid anal sex as well. While it should go without saying, if a woman's vulnerability is exploited, trust will be irreparably damaged.

Why do men desire it?

• taboo

Anything culturally or socially taboo can heighten sexual arousal.

• wide range

Men, in general, prefer variety in their sexual experiences, and anal sex provides yet another option.

• Tenseness

The fantasy is that the anus will be tighter than the vagina, resulting in more pleasure for him.

To please her – Because of the pornographic industry's strong influence, many men believe they are introducing a woman to great pleasure.

How do we work out our disagreements?

Everyone has the right to refuse an unappealing act. We also have the right to wish for anything that appears exciting or pleasurable. To manage the differences, I recommend that my patients start by asking each other some open-ended questions, such as:

“Could you tell me what you think is exciting about it?”

“Can you examine your feelings and tell me where your resistance to this act is strongest?”

“Would talking about it out loud give you some satisfaction even if we didn't act on it?”

Even if your differences do not allow for a compromise, these questions can help each partner feel heard. Of course, a woman has the absolute right to refuse anal sex, but it is critical that both partners feel respected and heard on the subject.

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